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i find that when im busy, im happy, because there is no time to think [which can be good, but mostly just stresses me out].

i never thought i would have a "passion" for something. i never really thought that was something real. but now that im getting into photography, i realize that photography in itself, the simple&complex idea of taking pictures, is definately my passion. it makes me happy. it's that simple.

and then there is my guitar class, which i've already learned so much in. and im actually understanding it. i don't have much to show for it yet, but im hoping that i will by the end of the semester.

this year is already showing itself to be a year of change for me. starting...now :)

i went to lunch with ash today. she told me i changed for the better and that she is really happy to see me stand up for myself. she said it made her happy to see that i don't let people walk on me anymore, but that i still managed to stay true to myself the whole time.

she is one of those people who will always be there for me. i have very few of those now. i am finally realizing who my real friends are, and im getting rid of that false idea that everyone cares. because they don't.

im saying "fuck you" to those who use me for a ride or for money and it feels great. i don't need you if you don't need me.

im perfectly fine with the small amount of people who are still there for me, and who are able to accept the fact that everyone in this world is trying to figure out who they are. i have made mistakes, yes, but they all are for a reason: to figure out who the hell i am. and i still don't know, but im coming closer every day to finding out what i want out of life.

the people who understand that:
henry: he's been there through thick and thin, dealt with my moodiness and depression, helped me get through my mistakes, and was even there to hand me the aspirin afterwards. he's the only one who will come along on a boring art field trip and make a good day out of it.
rachel: even though i was a bitch at one point, and forgot to accept her for who she is and let the drugs blur my vision of her, she is still there for me. we don't talk as much, but i still know that we are friends, and always will be. it's like i can tell her pretty much anything, and she doesn't make me feel bad about it or see me differently. i love her.
ash: i've known her since i was 2 and still we aren't tired of eachother. she understands that we are completely different, yet she is open to hear my views on life. she helps me out emotionally and i thank her every day for it.
tiffany: even though she is a newcomer, she and i have a lot in common. she teaches me to be more accepting, and definately helps me in the areas of patience and understanding. i feel like she has a lot to teach me about being a better person, and i don't think she knows how happy that makes me. she is the only one who didn't make me feel horrible about being with a rock star...she showed optimism and hope instead of shooting down any possibilities there might have been.

i wish i could say more, but there is no one else i really feel connected to. makes me sad, but things change.

'this angry little girl,
drowning in this petty world.'

i do feel like im drowning.
i've been really sick, which makes life seem worse anyways, and being sad doesn't do anything to make me get better.

i feel like everyone is behind me and im trying to go foreward, but no one else wants to follow me. i've been having dreams where i just leave el cajon. and that's what i want right now. i feel like im suffocating whenever i go into my house. i want to go somewhere and be completely happy there. but then i think about how financially comfortable it is at home, and i realize that i probably will never be able to move out. just the thought of that makes me feel so trapped.

i guess i just feel like im sinking into this hole that looks like it will never end. i know it will, but right now everything hurts. the only comfortable place that suits me lately is driving in my car with my music. that's it. no where else. music has really been so comforting lately.

im not looking foreward to second semester either. i just can't handle other people's emotions and problems right now, let alone meeting new people with new problems. there is nothing i can do to fix them. i've tried and it's just draining. i don't have anyone in this whole world who i can trust and rely on completely. no one shares my same views or values, even my closest friends, whom i don't feel close to anymore. my wish for this new year is to find someone who just gets it. who won't use me. who just wants to be with me, and whom i just want to be with. i don't know if that means "fall in love" or what, but i would love to find someone who just fits me perfectly.

it's weird how lonely you can get, even when you are surrounded by people.
writing all this makes me feel better...i suppose.

i feel sick.

this boy, boy #1, hurts my heart. it hurts me to see him look right through me and walk right past me, all the while he himself is hurting inside. and there is nothing i can do.

boy #2, he makes me feel like there is someone always thinking of me, and makes me realize that everything is easier said than done. it kinda makes me feel like we are in a romeo& juliet situation; no one can know because it's wrong, and absolutely no one will approve. but we make eachother happy in the short moments we are together. plus he cares a lot about his mom & is more able to understand my own relationship with my mom.

boy #3 is something i can't quite grasp. for some reason, i want this to work out in some strange way. i want it to work so badly, even though it's completely obvious [like a slap-in-the-face obvious] that it won't work. it can't work.

i hate that i am attatched to people who have much better things to worry about, while i sit here all by myself wondering when and how i can get through to them on a deeper level. i am waiting for something to change for the better; waiting for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet & make me feel like i am the only one; waiting to get out of here.

So this is what happened...

Basically every other day is similar to this one. I love life right now.

I go to Aaron's. I really wanted Rachel to be there but she left :(

We go to this bitch Jenny's house. It was boring so i drank [but i made sure that Henry was sober so he could drive me back to Aaron's afterwards]. We get back to Aaron's. Drink some more. I danced with long hair Jacob it was fun! I don't remember a lot, but i know it was fun. Then i danced with Aaron. He kissed me...probably just because we were drunk but whatever. Then we fell asleep next to eachother. I love sleeping next to someone it's just comforting.

And i love waking up the next morning to see all my friends sleeping/passed out around me. It just makes me happy :). I like taking care of them, and putting blankets on the ones who look cold <3

Then we wake up and go to the beach. Jose was still drunk, and so was Diana LOL. Drunk people in the ocean = HILARIOUS. Try it sometime.

We were there for 4 hours, then Michelle took Mark and Jorge downtown and left me, corey, adam, aaron and jose there. We wanted to adventure, so we walked all the way to Garnet Avenue. By the time we got there, we realized that we didnt have a ride back, and we hate calling people for rides so we said screw it and kept walking. Next thing we know, we're walking along the freeway. Aaron decided that the only way we could get home was the trolley...so we walked all the way from La Jolla to the Old Town Trolley. That was about 13 miles [according to aaron's phone]. Jose was barefoot the whole time! And my feet hurt like bloody hell...other than that...it was fun :)

I love my friends. Even if we don't hang out that much, i still love you <3

EVERYTHING. Is. Weird.

Being out of school is the strangest feeling. I feel like ive been cut loose, but with no place to go. I go through the day feeling like i have something to do besides work, but i don't. I kinda like it this way.

I haven't cried in a long time too. I've been happy, except for these random times when im not, but it's all good.

Aaand i still like him. It sucks because we're both mean to eachother, yet he still tells me im beautiful, and i think he's amazing. But we're "just friends." Im ok with it i guess. Sometimes i think im over him...and then he looks at me and i melt all over again. I hate this situation so much. I'll get over it eventually.

Plus, i have another job at Victoria's Secret. I feel odd and out of place. Idk how long it will last but we'll see...

Getting "faded" every night for the past week is... LOL it's so much fun! I know it's bad and all that...but every time im drunk I realize something new about someone or about life. I had this big ass talk with my friend Derek last night and he's seriously the coolest person. So is Chris. This kid pukes like crazy though.

Oh and I've come to the conclusion that boys are lame because most of them are players. I really hate that. Being just friends is nice though...I guess.

Last night was cool i guess.

Everyone drank at the bleachers of el cajon high school. Now, that's just asking to get shanked. But it was fun. I hate that he talks to me more when he's drunk than when he's sober. Makes me sad...but o well. Im not gonna try to change him.

Today = time for me to relax and get shit done!

When I fall in love, I'm going to learn "oh it's love" by Hellogoodbye on the guitar, and sing it to my boy. I have decided : )

I'm awefully confused now though... but I like to think that if we're meant to be together, then it will happen. Whoever it is, I hope they like my song : )

Today was one of those days where you feel like everything is falling around you.

But at the end of the day, all I have left is to think about all the good things I have, and the people who love me :) And I'm fine now, just me and Hellogoodbye.

I should sleep.

I wish there was a guy out there who I could talk to as well as I can with some of my girl friends. There is seriously no guy who will sit for hours just talking about EVERYTHING without bringing up the fact that "Im a boy and you're a girl" and using that as the reason why I feel the way I do about things. It's not because Im a girl, it's because Im me. I want a guy who will talk about life. Anything. And not just on the stupid computer or stupid text messages. In person. I don't want blunt answers or distractions. I just want to talk, and listen.

I can sit for HOURS with any girl and talk, but why not a guy? For some reason it pisses me off.

Oh, and I went jogging with him this morning. If you know me at all, you'd know that I HATE running. But this was different and I actually liked it. I might make it a regular thing...unless I get lazy again.

Sometimes I have a problem saying no. I need to learn how to talk to people and communicate my actual feelings, not just what they want to hear.

This is going to be so awkward! I don't wanna go...

Sometimes horoscopes are just bullshit.

But other times, they freak me out! Mine said something about a series of events that would bring up the past. And then an old friend ive known since i was like 3 called me today! She's moved to Missouri and got married! It's so weird how things have gone by so fast! So much has changed...But when i sit back and take a look at it all, i realize it's all for the better :)

Quote of the day!!

"...she kept kissing everyone saying "i love you!"...thennnn her face turned white, and i gave her my spiderman trashcan and... BLLASKDAOSIUYHAOSNALSKHDA!
yeah. it was grrreat. tony the tiger couldnt have said it better."

This isnt about me by the way.

Srsly guys. I NEED a car, my own car. I hate my mom's car, it has no music and it's SO lonely driving alone. So if anyone knows of any good cars being sold lemme know. And remember: CHEAP.

Taste of Chaos tonighttttttttt!!!

I really don't want to go with the person im going with...it's gonna be awkward and he always pisses me off. I know that's a horrible thing to say about someone who bought me the ticket...but damn! If you knew what i was talking about...then you'd...know what im talking about.

But i guess i'll deal with it, hopefully it's going to be an awesome concert.

Mallory! I totally thought about inviting you to go, but he wont have room in the truck, and i didn't want to ask him to buy another ticket :/ But i really wanted you to come with me, you were the first to come to mind. When i get a car, we're going to a concert together :)

Lost my job...Need a new one.

Jason is such an asshole. It sucks to be told that I didn't do anything right when there's AJ who stands around telling me his God-aweful stories while I'm busting my ass cleaning something that's already clean because there's nothing else to do!

There are other people who just stood around, and still Jason tells me that I stand around and talk and THAT'S the reason he let me go. I hate him. I don't hate many people but I hate him.

It's scary, the thought of getting another job. So far Nick Castellano has suggested Subway, or I could work at the other gelato place Aaron. I don't know what to do! And I have to buy my car, and my tattoo guy has yet to get back to me about if he can do it or not.

"When it rains, it pours" is the story of my life. That's both good and bad.

Im quitting melt. I dont know why, but some people just DO NOT like me. Theres no reason!

P-dena is awesome. Cant wait to live here. I mean, after aaron's death threat i guess i have to.

Im happy...except for the fact that i screwed up and now im just waiting for it to work itself out....not the best thing to do, but theres nothing else i can do.